Blues Brother 2000

To start off, I have to say that I am a fan of the original.  My first problem was the fact that the movie was called Blues Brothers 2000, and it came out in 1998, lame.  They essentialy start the movie the same way with Dan Akroyd getting out of prison but his brother, Jon Belushi is now dead.  Much like in the first movie, Elwood goes to see the Penguin.  For some reason Elwood is now a mentor for ten year old kid named Buster, which is just kind of stupid in gerneral.
 Soon Elwood is confronted with another mission from God and he must get the band back together.  He now discovers his friend Curtis had fathered a child and now is a state trooper.  Elwood tries to recruit him and settles for John Goodman.  By the middle of the movie, the trooper, Goodman, and the kid are all dressing like Elwood.
It was kind of cool to see where all the members of the band ended up, but it was too much of a gap in between the two movies.  Now everyone is too old to believe they would put up with this shit.  There were alot of cameos, but the last thirty miniutes of the movie was just where most of them showed up.  While the first one had a bunch of cameos from actors and musicians, this one was made up of musicians that not everybody knew. 
In the end, this flick just didn't live up to the first.  It just wasn't the same kind of movie, as much as they tried.  Nothing against Dan Akroyd, but Jon Belushi was what was missing.  I thinkif this movie was never made, the legacy of the movie wouldn't have been tarnished.  Oh well, I guess we'll never have to wonder what if they ever made a sequal.  Because we know it would suck.

Oceans of Crap

When Oceans 11 first came out, I really enjoyed it.  I thought it was a pretty good remake of the original with Sinatra and the Rat Pack.  All in all, a good flick.  Then Oceans 12 came out.
First of all, the entire feel and vibe of this one was completely different.  The first one was all about the desire to screw over Andy Garcia, their overall goal was to get rich.  12 was centered on Andy Garcia wanting his money back after he presents proof they robbed him in the first movie.
So, the gang heads to Europe because they're on the radar in America. They've all spent the money they stole, and now they have to do a bunch of small jobs.  At the same time some French guy is introduced as yet another villain.  Soon he presents himself as the most gifted thief, and George Clooney is shit.  Meanwhile, there's a backstory developing around Brad Pitt and Cathrine Zeta Jones, who turns out to be working for Interpol and is hunting the gang down.  Most of the guys end up in jail, and it's just a countdown to finding out how they're smarter then everyone else including me.
If you really want to check it out, have at it.   The French guy does some sort of break dancing moves to get through  lazers and Julia Roberts impersonates Julia Roberts.  In the end the gang wins, and soon there is a big party and now Pitt and Zeta Jones are together again. We find out her father was a thief and she just had Daddy abandonment issues.  And it's not like 13 was great either.  Oh well.

Why Even Keanu Has A Brain

I know Keanu Reeves has a reputation for being kind of stupid, but I disagree.  I'm a fan of his movies, I'm greatly awaiting the next Bill and Ted movie.  However, I'll admit he does'nt come off as a genius in any way, but he did pass on Speed 2
The first one was awsome, mostly because of Reeves and Dennise Hopper.  Even Jeff Daniels was cool.  In the end, only Sandra Bullock and the black cop come back for the sequel.  Keanu and Bullock have broken up, and now she is dating the ultimate sensitive stud,Jjason Patrick.  We know he's sensitive because he makes friends with a deaf girl on the cruise ship, oh yea no bus, 
cruise ship. 
The new villain is Willem Defoe, and we know he's the bad guy because he puts leaches all over his body.  His plan is to crash the ship into a harbor, essentially by speeding it up and not letting it stop so he can smuggle some shit or somthing.  Thank God Jason Patrick is there.  As the movie rolls on, people get wet and Defoe dies on a jet skii.  The ship does crash into the harbor, the one thing I actually didn't expect.  Like I said, Keanu has a brain.  Give him a break, he was in Point Break.

Charlie and the Shit Factory

I think it's time to adress movies that shouldn't have been made.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a peice of crap that proves Tim Burton shouldn't try to do movie remakes, because Planet of the Apes didn't prove anything to him.  I'll get to that another time.
First of all, Jonny Depp looks like a pedifile.  I respect Depp's ability to make so many different characters, but this one was a miss.  Gene Wilder's portrayal of Willy Wonka clearly comes out on top, but then again I wouldn't trust him around my kids either.  And why the hell weren't the Oompa Loompas orange.  It was just one middle eastern guy over and over again.  I'm sure they could have found enough short people to put on overalls.  Not to mention, the songs sucked.  Almost the entire factory was CGI, and nothing looked edible.
I just don't get it, if it's not broken then don't fix it.  Although I suppose they sold alot more candy bars and Nerds when the movie came out.  I hope Depp's next movie doesn't ruin my opinion on the original character, he will be playing Tonto from the Lone Ranger.  We'll see.

American Crap Pie

For the sake of going in a different direction with the type of movies I've been ranting about, I recently watched the American Pie movies. While I can't hate on the first three, Band camp is a different story. 
The originals were awsome, the characters were well rounded and all were developed in a realistic way.  You honestly care about each character, and where thier story went.
Now, maybe I just hate change, or maybe I just hate when a movie tries to introduce new characters and try to portray it as the same movie. If it didnt work for Saved By The Bell, it won't work for you.  The only two people that continued on, was Jim's dad and the Shermanator, clearly they weren't what made the originals work.  While I will give credit to Eugene Levy for being funny in an uncombfortable, the rest of the flick was just the same recycled jokes.
In this movie, Stifler's younger brother is the main focus of the flick.  Sure they did find an actor that could make the same shit eating grin as SeanWilliam Scott, but not one that could carry a movie.  A running joke in the movies is that Stiffler will consume some kind of disgusting bodily fluid without realizing it, of course it was attempted again.  In this half ass joke, baby Stiffler is sent to band camp and is soon the low man on the totom pole.  When it came time for the bullys to put spit into a soda for Stifler to drink, your'e over the joke before it starts.
It was a straight to DVD movie and it shows.  The story line was predictable and not very funny to begin with, and in the end Stiffler learns his lesson and gets the girl.  Beautiful.
The next two in the series weren't much better then Band Camp, but atleast went for more of an original idea.  Still using the Stiffler model for the movies, these two followed Stiffler's cousins.  One was a nerd, while the other was the general Stiffler model.  The Naked Mile and Beta House weren't great movies, but atleast got closer to the idea of not making a shit spinoff. 
American Reunion is about to come out, and I am excited to see the original cast together.  Hopefully I can move on and forget that one time at Band Camp. 
Yeah I did it.

Jurassic Crap

Well, lets get right into it.  Jurassic Park 3 was yet another franchise killer.  Obviously the first movie was amazing.  Even the second movie had it's draw backs, but it still had the T-Rex terrorizing San Fransisco.  While JP3 was just a big pile of crap. 
Maybe it was not having Jeff Goldbloom in the movie to make everything seem more dangerous or not having someone wearing a leather jacket in the jungle, but this movie was missing something.  Nothing against Sam Neil, who played Dr. Grant in the first and third movies, but this one just didn't work.
T-Rex was only in one scene, and got his ass kicked.  Sure the "Spinosaurus" was bigger and blah blah blah, but T-Rex is what made the first two movies great.  Personally I was not a fan to the new bad ass on the island.  While I was excited to see a terridactile scene, I don't think it did anything to save the movie.
Earlier in the movie Dr. Grant has a night mare about a talking Velosoraptor on a plane, enough said. 
In the end, everyone is saved when Dr. Grant uses a satellite phone to call up his friend from the first movie.  Her son answers, she eventually hears like five seconds of screaming and knows exactly where he is and what is going on.  Wow.
Soon a guy in a suit shows up with the army storming the beach.  He asks is Dr. Grant is among them, and they're rescued. Then the movie ends.  That's it.  The ending was pretty much thrown together and it shows. 

I hope if they are going to make another go at it with another one, they think about what they're writing.